I admit, I just don’t have a lot to write about right now. I keep having all of these post ideas in my head but then I’m just not motivated to finish any of them and I feel like they are empty… like there is no heart in them. I like to write. Especially when I feel like I really have something to share. So when things don’t feel very “exciting” I have a tendency not to share anything at all.
This morning I sat down to write something and I realized that the best thing to do is to be honest and open about where we are and how we are feeling. I would be lying if I did not say that there is a lingering sadness among us right now. Which is difficult to say because things could be so much worse, but honestly Ian and I are sad. I’m reminded of Proverbs 13:21: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” That kinda sums it up for us, our hope has been deferred (again and again) and sometimes- right now in fact- our hearts feel a bit sick.
We just flipped the page of the calendar on the month of February and I wanted to cry. Looking at February makes me sad because we never imagined that we would be in the US still. If you’ve been following our journey, you may remember that we’d really hoped to be in Austria in early January so that we could enroll Ellison in school when they resume from winter break next week. Since October, I’ve been holding off on celebrating holidays till the last minute with the idea that maybe we’d be gone. Every time we buy new toilet paper or paper towels or even laundry detergent we buy the smallest bulk (silly I know) with the hope that we only need a little more. We have bypassed deadline after deadline of when we thought we would be gone, and sometimes that stinks.
One of the things that’s keeping both of us going are our friendships and encouragement from others. This week, I got to meet with two friends and they both asked how we were really doing as a family. I had a choice to talk about how awesome our living situation is (and it really is!), or how great the past few weeks have been to really say good bye well to those we love. And in both cases I did say those things. Because they are true. But I also took a risk and was honest about how we are really feeling right now. I admitted that we are struggling to maintain peace and contentment and we just want to leave. We want to be there.
I was thankful to be met with nothing but love and understanding on the other side of the table. They were sincerely hearing me and both said to me “what you guys are doing right now is hard.” At both meetings, I thanked them for their words and for giving me the permission to be honest. So many times, I set up this standard for myself of how I should behave or feel and the thing is, although I know the truth (eventually we will get there and ultimately we are not under our time table) I’m still sad and I know that He is ok with that. That’s the beauty of my relationship with our Heavenly Father. When I am open and honest I believe that it opens up a freedom within me and makes room in my for Him to act.
I had a chance last night to read an article from the director of our sending agency, Charlie Davis. The words so spoke to our situation so I wanted to share them. I underlined the words that spoke the loudest to me. If you’ve been reading this long and have a few more minutes I hope you’ll read what he had to say.
“Jesus is the one who knows the end from the beginning and the beginning from the end. He is the “alpha and the omega,” the “beginning and the end,” the one who is “from everlasting to everlasting.” In our small minds we can think ahead a few months or a few years if we try really hard, and we can look back a few decades. But God holds thousands of years in view effortlessly. God takes the long view.
We live in a world that emphasizes the immediate, the short-term, the fast approach, and we think that a year is a long time. We want results with the push of a button, the click of a “mouse,” but God is unruffled by our restlessness. Centuries ago he said, “Be still and know that I AM God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” The outcome is not in doubt, nor is it in doubt that the Lord takes the long view. “
Today I’m choosing to stand on this verse and this promise. I’m praying that he would teach us as a family to be still and remember who He is. I’m praying that we can take comfort in the sometimes uncomfortable truth that He does take the long view and really I’m a part of His story, not my own.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying!